More from Dr. John DeGarmo

From the book Fostering Love: One Foster Parent’s Journey, by Dr. John DeGarmo.


It was 10:30, and our own kids had long gone to sleep, when the caseworker arrived with the two girls. The girls were scared, both of them. And why not? They had been taken from their home late at night, taken away from their mother, and placed in a strange home with strange people now looking at them.
The caseworker, Shaun, sat across the table from us, sipping a cappuccino I had made for her. “Sarah is four, and Mary Sue is six months,” Shaun said. “They suffer from poor nutrition and neglect.”
“Why were they taken from their homes?” I wanted to know.
“Well,” Shaun began, “their mother and father were homeless, and moving from one hotel to another. There was also an incident with a knife, and the children were left in a hotel by themselves for awhile, while the parents were out.”
“Is the father the father of both children? They look nothing alike,” I wanted to know.
“No, there are two different dads. The mother lives with Mary Sue’s father, and Sarah’s father is in jail,” Shaun said.
“Is this all the clothes they have?” Kelly asked, pointing to the black plastic bag Shaun brought with her.
“Yes, it’s not much, but it is all I could get. We had to go into the house with a police escort, as the mother was trying to prevent us from removing the children. If you buy the
children new clothes, just keep the receipts and put them with your monthly invoice, and you will be reimbursed.”
“How about formula and diapers for Mary Sue?” I asked. “Will we be reimbursed for that too? Diapers are quite expensive.
“Yes. Same as the clothes, just keep the receipts and hand them in with the invoice, too.”
It had been a long night, and everyone was tired. We signed the necessary paperwork for taking the two girls into our house that DFCS required, and thanked Shaun for everything she had done. But, if Kelly and I thought we were about to go to bed, we were seriously mistaken. It was at this point that the screaming started. Screaming that we came to recognize in the future as quite normal for a first night placement into a foster home for a young, confused child. Yet, if it was only the screaming….
“I want my mommy! You can’t keep me here! I want my mommy!” Sarah screamed, hysterically, as tears flowed down her face. What we were not prepared for came next, very quickly. Sarah ran to the closest door and tried to open it. “You can’t keep me here,” she screamed again, desperately trying to get out. Holding Mary Sue, I went to close the door, while Kelly tried to comfort Sarah.
“I know, I know, Sarah,” Kelly said. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
Without missing a beat, Sarah ran straight to another door, and tried the same thing. I felt my heart breaking for her. Sarah was simply scared. She didn’t know who Kelly or I was. She only knew that she was not home with her mother. As I ran to lock all the doors in the house, Kelly swooped Sarah up in her arms, and tried to console her with soft kind words. Mary Sue
was crying, as well, and was quickly given a bottle. As I was bathing her, Kelly and I both noticed that her skin was black, and Kelly suspected that it might be second degree burns. The burns, though, were in fact hard packed dirt. Mary Sue’s legs, feet, and hands were covered in so much dirt, that she looked like she had burns. For the second time that night, my heart broke. After a thorough and tough scrubbing, Mary Sue was asleep in her crib in our bedroom. Sarah, on the other hand, was not so easy to put to sleep. Kelly spent an hour cradling little Sarah, scared little Sarah, in her arms, rocking her to sleep. It wasn’t easy, as Sarah screamed and cried herself to sleep. Sarah, though, wasn’t the only one crying. Kelly was, too.

You can read more of Fostering Love: One Foster Parent’s Journey, as it is available at Amazon.com, Crossbooks.com, Barnes and Noble.com, and other online book services.

Ambassadors (Melissa)

Last weekend, Kim and I did our first volunteering job with the foster care foundation.  We are ambassadors.  Sounds pretty fancy and important, doesn't it?  It really wasn't hard.  We just had to sit at a booth at a street fair and talk answer questions about foster care. And shhhhhhhh  don't tell anyone, but we didn't wear our official shirts.   The hardest part was how broad peoples questions were.  But it was really great to just get out and promote foster care.  We ended up sitting there for 6 hours.  But I did enjoy it.

I was amazed at the people that would come over to just tell us their experiences.  People that grew up in foster care or took in kids when they were young.   Some experiences were good and some were bad.  There were also people of all ages asking about it and how they can get involved.  It was a great experience.  Until the end.  Sadly, when no one came to pick up the booth stuff, we realized we had to take it all down.   Unfortunately, neither of us had ever taken down a big canopy.  That was pretty hot and tiring, but we did it.  And we made it home.

I am very thankful for this opportunity.  It was a beautiful thing to see how many people have been or want to be touched by foster care.  Even the man that had a booth on ball room dancing (which we have got to get our husband to go try.  Sounded so fun!)  next to ours had adopted a child out of the system.

I am pretty excited to do it again, maybe we will just sign up for 1 time though.  6 hours was super long.  But I signed up to be an Ambassador so I could help without having to take in kids right now.  I am really glad I did.  Anyone else do anything to volunteer?

Another story from Barry, Yeah!!!

The Photo




When my son first arrived as a foster child at my house he was 7 , and a few things didn't sit well with me . He brought very little personal items with him , the clothes he brought were two sizes TOO big and few this were too small. The only items I would consider very personal were two stuffed animals and a very important Photo . It was a photo of him and his mom . The photo was on regualr print paper in black and white and he looked SO HAPPY! I asked if that was his mother he said "Yea , I haven't seen her in a while ". I asked why the photo wasn't in his LIFEBOOK he said "What's a LIFEBOOK?". As I unpacked his things I found the book .... He had been in foster Care a year and there was not ONE thing in the book ! I was shocked , in my state all kids receive a life book when they enter foster care and foster parents are supposed to help the child work on them to perserve some sort of stablity and memory for the child . I slide the photo into the book . A few weeks later I go into his room to straighten up . I see the Photo on the side of the bed bald up so I take it and scan it to my computer the put it back where he had it . 

A year goes by and one night my son and I are talking about his family and what he remembers. I like to do that sometimes to get the feelings out that he may be feeling at times . But this conversation was ALL about his mother he talked about the goodtimes they had , what they use to do , he wondered if she was thinking about him , even if she was still alive . But when he said "But sometimes Dad I can't remember what she looks like . ". He his face looked SO sad his mood changed and he started to mope around. To myself I said " O NO!". I remembered I had scaned the photo ! I went to the computer and printed it off I put it in a frame . I then took it in his room to him I said " I know you are feeling a little sad so brought this to cheer you up " I turn the picture around the look of peace on his face was priceless . He said " DAD!!! Its my mom ! How did you get this picture! ?". I said " You brought it with don't you remember ? ". He said "No". He looked at the picture and said " Dad you remember when you told me about tears of joy ?". I said "yes". He replied " I know what they are now , its ok I'm not crying because I'm sad if you are wondering , I'm happy . 

Barry's foster story

Guess what?  We got our first story.  And what an amazing story it is.  Thank you so much for sharing this with us Barry.  



> In 2008 I was a young 20 year old African-American Male in some sort of "crossroads" in my young life . I was working 50 hours a week in a daycare as a teacher something I really wanted to do and I thought I was satisfied but I wasn't for some reason . For weeks I wondered what should I do next ,where do I go from here. Something was missing in my life but what? I wasn't ready to go to on the road to college , I'm doing what I love which was working with children what's next ! ? Then one night I flopped on to the edge of my bed and there was this AD that said "Become a Foster Parent and Change a Life". It was like everything made since to me again ! As much as I love working with kids, I enjoy taking care of kids even MORE! 
> 
> At this point after seeing the AD I started to dout myself wondering if these workers would take me seriously . I was now terrified to call . Why? Maybe because I was young with a 1 bedroom apt and only 2yrs before I had just graduated high school . You ever heard the saying "God works in Mysterious Ways" ? Around this time of myself being scared to call the agency I went to a good friend of mines ,who also use to be my elementary school art teacher, and where were talking about my future and what I wanted to do . I told her I wanted to become a foster parent but I need another bedroom . After I had left her house the next day she calls me and leaves a message , she says " I don't know why I didn't mention it last but I have the perfect place I can rent to you at a dirt cheap price to help you out !" I was stunned ! 
> 
> Now that I had my place it was time to make the call I was terrified of making . I got an interview with the Director of the agency . At first glance she looked really intimidating , but as I sat down and we began to talk she was an awesome person to talk to , I loved her spirit . She asked me to tell her about myself , and more like where do I begin ! :) Do I begin to tell how I was a neglected child ,should I tell how my sisters ended up in foster care ,how I almost ended up in foster care ,how my mother and father were addicted to drugs, how my grandmother raised me from age 5 ,or how I had just planned the funeral of my father at age 19 with very little help ? At the end she asked me two questions. 1 ) How did you hear about my agency ? I told her I had saw the AD in a newspaper she replied and said that's funny I never put a AD in that paper and we both were like WOW that's God! 2) Why do I want to be a foster Parent ? I know the feeling , I've been hurt by a broken family not knowing what's next , I can related to these childern on so many levels and to prove to them that there is hope and success at the end of the tunnel . I want to change lives. She then told me ,"Normally I would say you are too young to do this but I believe in you and love your spirit and I know I'm gonna have to fight with my bosses to approve you BUT I'm willing to do that for you . And from that day a GREAT friendship began , we talk all the time take trips and have a great time " YES ! In just I few months I had a foster care liscense . ! 
> 
> It was close to a year until I welcome my first foster child and it was on his birthday ! He was a piece of work . Soon he left do to a few conflicts . Then a month later I got another child .... But that's another awesome story :) 

Is it hard to get a foster care license? (Melissa)

No, it is not that hard to get licensed to foster children.  Keep in mind each state is different.  There are also different agencies you can work with.  So this is just a brief list on what you have to do to get licensed.  My experience is with Utah.

1-  You must take classes.  We have to take 32 hours (8 classes) of pre-service training.  After licencing you must have 12 hours every year for the main caregiver and 4 for the secondary.
2-  Fill out an application.  It has everything from a background check (if you have lived in another state within 5 years it takes longer) to reference letters to a doctors note.
3-You need to get a home study done.  For the first few years, I cleaned my house spotless.  Complete with cleaning out closets, but I have relaxed since then.  I do clean my house, but they really don't care how organized your shoes are.

The complicated part is all the rules.  Here are a few.
      a. You must lock up medications and cleaners.  Sounds easy, right?  Well, don't forget the dishwasher and laundry detergent.
     b.  If you want a placement under 2, you must have a gate.
     c. don't forget your fire extinguisher

Now that I am sitting here typing and listening to my kids beg for food, I am going to go the easy route.  The ctrl c route.

 So here is some info from the Utah Foster Care Foundation's website.



PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS AND FAMILY
COMPOSITION
•  Foster parents must be emotionally stable.
• A foster parent may be with or without their own children.
•  Foster parents and persons 18 years and over living in the
home pass a criminal background screening.
•  Foster parents must provide veri cation of stable income,
su fficient to meet the needs of the family.
• Foster parents must be legal permanent US residents.
•  Foster parents must provide a medical reference letter for each
caregiver.
•  Foster parents must provide the State Offi ce of Licensing the
name, address, and phone number of four references.
•  Foster parents may be licensed to care for up to three children
at a time.
•  Foster parents may not have more than two children under the
age of two living in their home.
•  Foster parents must keep con dential information shared by the
agency and shall sign a statement of con dentiality at the time
of licensure.
•  Foster parents must provide routine transportation.  Drivers must
have a valid Utah driver's license.
•  Foster parents may not use corporal (physical) punishment.
• Foster parents need patience and the ability to make a          
commitment to children in need.
Please note that completing training and receiving a
license does not guarantee that DCFS will place a  
child in your home.
PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF THE HOME
•  The home shall be clean, in good repair and shall provide for
normal comforts in accordance with accepted community
standards.
•  Foster parents may rent or own the home.
• The home must be free from health and fire hazards and must
have a working smoke detector on each fl oor and at least one
approved fire extinguisher.
•  Each child in foster care must have a separate bed. Children of
the same sex may share a room.  No more than four children
are permitted in a single bedroom. A minimum of 80 square
feet must be provided in a single occupant bedroom or a
minimum of 60 square feet per child in a multiple occupant
bedroom.
•  The home must have a telephone.
• The home must have an adequately supplied fi rst aid kit.
Medications must be kept in locked storage.
• Firearms and ammunition must be securely locked.
• Foster parents must have a written plan of action for
emergencies and disasters.
• Foster parents will not be licensed to provide both day care
and foster care at the same time.


Okay, I will lay off the crtl c for now.  There you have it.  Not too complicated, right?

If you are not a foster family, what are your thoughts?  Does this sound hard?  Kim and I became friends 11 years ago, because I had already taken the classes and it was tough to get through them without a babysitter.  So when I found out that she was going to take them, I called her up and told her I can help with her kids and we haven't hung up the phone yet.  

If you are already licensed, was it hard?  Is your state similar in rules?  What helped you through?

(disclaimer:  I didn't take the photo on this post.  It is from this website:  http://fostercareri.org/foster-care-ri/   How sweet is that little face?) 

Every Child Needs A Family!

Every Child Needs A Family!

What to expect from foster kids: straight from my biological kids mouths. (part 1)

As I was clicking around the internet world, I happened upon a blog with an article titled

Adding Foster Children to Your Family: How Will Your Kids Take It?  

It posed a young woman this question : “What was it like growing up with foster siblings in your home?”

It was a beautiful and well written article and it got me thinking.  What do my kids think?  So I asked my teenagers.  Now, I am not a wonderful author and my kids are in the middle of teenagerhood. So don't expect much from us.  

My 2 oldest have been foster sisters to 82 kids.  Well, 83 if you count the girl who stayed for 3 hours but they found a grandma that could take her.  I didn't write her name down, so I don't normally count her.  I guess that case was more like I was babysitting.  Anyway, back to my story.  I asked my 14 year old first.  She just said she was glad we did foster care because we were able to help kids.  I said, "really, that's all you've got?"  And she said, "Mom, I want to be a foster mom and adopt and be a social worker when I grow up, so yeah, it was a good thing. I am glad we did it".  Then I turn to my 13 year old and she said "ditto." 

So, I'm not quite so eloquent with words, bout bio kids do fine having other kids come in to their home.  Kids enjoy helping and sharing if given a chance.  We were careful to not let taking in foster kids affect our families routines too much.  For instance, if I had a child in care and school programs, everyone goes.  We don't use foster care as an excuse.  We just haul everyone with us.  You just have to have a go with the flow attitude.

P.S.  I titled this post with a part 1 because I want to ask my other kids what they think.  Also, I believe that after my girls read this, they might want to add or just not speak to me, but whatever.

P.P.S.  The original, got me thinking article is here.   http://foster2forever.com/2012/03/adding-foster-children.html

Interesting Information

Our local news posted a picture about foster care.  They 

hosted a telethon to raise money for the Adoption Exchange

 and help children find loving homes.  This is the photo they

posted.  



What do you think? 

My little Charlie*

I wanted to share one story from my foster care arsenal.

We got a sibling group of 3.  All 3 were 3 years and under and mom was expecting number 4.  She did great in rehab and the first 2 children were able to be with her and the baby.  Sadly for him, little Charlie, the 3 year old, needed to stay with us for a bit longer.  I won't lie and say that having his mom in rehab was easy for us.  The rehab was not flexible with visits.   But with help of neighbors, we made it work. He stayed with us for 10 months.  He was very bonded to our family as we were with him and we still miss him everyday.  He went to a preschool close to our house.  Every time we drive by, the kids gets nostalgic and miss him.  He lived with us 3 years ago.  Yes, we still miss him.  But guess what?  His mom did it.  She did what so many people couldn't do.  She got clean and kept her family together.  One of the most common comments I get about foster care is "I couldn't never do it, my heart is too big and I couldn't give the kids back."  Yes, it does hurt, but the experiences that you share with that child outweighs the pain.  Like, I don't think that Charlie had ever baked before.  I had him sitting on the counter making banana bread.  The look on his face was priceless.  He wanted to check on the bread every 2 minutes.   And when he ate it, he acted as if nothing tasted better.



He lived with us over holidays, birthday, he went on multiple family vacations with us, and all of our day to day fun. Here he is with Kim's and my family at a father/son camp out. 

 Do we miss him?  Yes, but do we wish he was never in our lives?  No.  Will he remember us?  Probably not.  But we know.  We know the influence he had on us as well as we had on him.  I will forever be thankful for that sweet little boy.  



*I changed names on this story to protect confidentiality.

Kim's first placement

 I always share the story of my first placement because it had the biggest impact on my life! The two little children we brought into our home a 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. We were so excited!! But had no idea what was ahead of us! When we first started doing care we worked with the Christmas Box House, so it was the CBH that dropped the kids off, let me tell you how sad it was to see this little 6 month old baby girl in her car seat! She looked right through me, when I say right through me I mean as if she didn't even know I existed! She had no expression on her face, she could not sit up, hold her head up, nothing! The little boy James came in and was so willing to run and play, but didn't really care much about who we were or that he was in a different place than he had been in. Severe attachment disorder, and severe neglect! I was heart broken!! We had a lot of work ahead of us, but I was determined that we were going to help these kids.
James was a very difficult 2 year old and loved to get into trouble, so we had to learn how to work with him to help him make better choices. It was a challenge to say the least! But after a while, he did start to learn!
Autumn, would have been content to sit in her chair or lay in a crib all day long with no interaction at all. She didn't cry for food, didn't care if she had a dirty diaper and could care less if anyone looked at her or not. Well that didn't work for me! So we started by just holding her, and not putting her down! Yup, I held her all the time! She was talked to, sung to, played with and just cuddled. We never propped bottles, she was always held for feedings, and guess what she learned very fast that she liked it! After just a short while she started to smile, she started to interact with us, she even started to cry when she was hungry. Some of you might not think that is so great, but I remember how excited I was when she cried for her bottle! I think I might have even jumped up and down! Soon she was sitting up by herself, rolling over and laughing! I was thrilled! It was so much fun to watch these kids grow and change, and it was so hard to let them go and move on to a new family, but I knew from all that I had learned from these kids that we could make a difference and that no matter how hard it was it would be worth it!